Without you

“When a mother dies, a daughter’s mourning never completely ends”

This year is slowly coming to an end which means I have almost survived my second full year without you. I’m a little overwhelmed at how much has changed in this second year. I think I’m more overwhelmed by how much harder this second year has been in comparison to the first. It’s almost as though that first year passed in some sort of hurried flourish, where as this year has lagged and dragged itself forward without you. I’m surprised by how scared I still am, scared of the colossal amount of time that is still ahead of me. I would of thought that I’d be used to it by now, the thought of time. Really, it still scares the hell out of me. I forget sometimes, I feel terrible for forgetting, but I forget all the same. I forget what having a Mother is like. It’s only been two years and I forget at times that I ever had one at all. It’s sometimes as though the life I had with you was a life lived by someone else. It’s almost as though I’m looking in on those memories as if those memories belong to someone else and not me. It’s crazy really because I can still remember the sound of your voice, I hear it in my head sometimes. I can still remember exactly what your hands looked like but I can’t remember what they felt like. I have smells that remind me of you but I have lost your actual scent forever. I remember your smile and I see it every day but there are moments when I wish for nothing more than to hear your laugh one more time. I try to imagine the sound and I fail almost every time. Sometimes, I wonder if forgetting everything would be easier than remembering the things I do. I knew it was going to be hard but I never knew it was going to be this hard for this long. I am still so angry with you but I am angry with myself too. I’m angry at myself for letting losing you get the better of me time and time again. I’m growing tired of fighting this battle with my grief. Grief that is living a life without you. I know you would be disappointed to see me allowing myself to drown in self pity, I know you would be disappointed with some of my choices as well as some of my actions since I have been living without you. It’s hard to remember that sometimes. Everything is hard sometimes. Living in a world without you is probably the hardest thing I have ever and will ever have to do. I try and tell myself and how we will laugh at the trouble of parting when we see each other again, most days I don’t even know if I believe that. This second year I have felt more lost than I have found. This second year I have felt more out of my mind than in it. This second year I have felt the pain of losing you more than I did the first. This second year, it has been hard to breathe, it has been harder to live without you. I have felt anger and I have felt bitterness. I have felt sadness and I have felt a soul crushing loneliness. I felt more emotion this second year than I have ever felt before. But, I have also felt hope. Hope is the light at this seemingly very long tunnel without you. Hope is something I have found that keeps getting me through. Hope is helping me live this life without you.

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