My ever evolving fear of grief

“It has been said that “time heals all wounds”. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone”

– Rose Kennedy

The above quote is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Time, definitely does not heal. Time, merely helps… and that’s only a little.

The reason for this next entry is because in less than 8 weeks time, I will be commemorating the death of my Mother. It’s coming up to being 2 years since I last saw her and I’m almost ready to scream. She has been on my mind a lot more recently and I want nothing more than to get it out. To talk about her, to remember her, to scream and to shout, to be angry and even to be sad. The trouble is, I don’t know how. That’s more the reason I’m writing this…

I don’t know what to do in moments like these when I miss her. When I crave the sound of her voice or when, in a rare moment I hear it with such clarity, I almost burst into tears. I don’t know what to do when my heart aches in the middle of a public place and I wish for nothing more than to be able to reach for her hand. Grief is a funny old thing, as just when you think you have a handle on things, it shows you how utterly clueless you are.

Now, I’m not stupid. I know I have people to talk to but what I struggle with is deciding whether or not that’s fair. I’m afraid of communicating my thoughts and and feelings to others in fear that they won’t know how to react or worse, that it brings them down.

Is it fair for me to express myself to my sister’s when it could dampen their day? Is it okay for me to confide in my Grandparents when they are getting on with things just fine? Is it too soon to let the man I’m seeing know how I’m feeling when he has his own problems? It is okay to reach out to my friend’s when they may not understand? I suppose, that’s what I’m most afraid of… other people’s ability to understand grief. Other people’s ability to empathize. That, and of course bringing those I love, down.

They say, “a problem shared, is a problem halved”, but this isn’t actually a problem… it’s my life. A lot of people have this idea that grief is a passing emotion, it comes and it goes almost fleetingly. I tell them, they are wrong. Grief is not a passing emotion. Grief comes, and it stays. Your life just keeps moving, growing and evolving around it. There was always a “before” but there will never be a “after”. After almost two years on, I understand that.

I wish I was confident enough to say “I miss my Mam today” to others, and really, it’s more to do with myself than it is them. I’m afraid of being a burden. I’m afraid of dragging people down. These fears stem from my insecurities, which cements the fact that, I know it’s more myself and my own issues, that stops me.

There are so many other things I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of making others uncomfortable, because I have learnt that, grief can most certainly have that capability. I’m afraid of pushing people away. I’m afraid of abandonment. I’m afraid of crying so much, I might not be able to stop.

How I still wish, this never happened to my family. How I still wish, that I didn’t have to deal with this every day. How I still wish, that I could just turn it off.

But each day is different. Each day I feel it less or more. Each day I try my best and tomorrow is a brand new day…

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