Do I wanna know?

“I dreamt about you near me every night this week
How many secrets can you keep
‘Cause there’s this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow when I play it on repeat…”

As of late I have wrote a lot about my past relationships, I find this almost helpful in a lot of different ways. I also find it easy as hell to do, so shoot me. This one in particular is a biggie. This one has been only a matter of time. This one couldn’t of come at a better time. This one is about “first love”.

I was fifteen and in the words of Taylor Swift – “When you’re fifteen, somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them” – I believed him because, well, it was the truth. I would love to say we spent three blissful years together but that would be a lie. Every relationship, even at that age, has it’s ups and downs. What I can say though is that what we had was magical. At the heart of our adolescence, together, it felt like we could conquer the world. Together, there was nothing we couldn’t achieve. We were young and in a constant state of euphoric naivety.

We didn’t grow apart. We grew up. It happens. That’s the terrible truth of your first love, it tends not to last. I kept him with me though, in one way or another, in the years that followed. He was such a huge part of my life, how could I not? We helped shape each other in those early years and although it might not stick, you don’t forget it either.

Our paths crossed again a few years later. We had been living separate lives for so long that when it came to a reunion it felt good to forget that fact. It was easy to get caught up in old and new feelings. It was easy to live in a little bubble if only for a little while. It was easy to pretend that we didn’t have lives to get back to. It was easy to not think about the circumstances keeping us apart. It was also a lot easier this time to put an end to things before the chaos could spread. (I have mentioned this time in my life briefly before in “That wasn’t love, that was just hope” – this is the ex I sought help from).

They say you never forget your first love and that statement I wholeheartedly agree with. I never did forget. Over the years, we sort of always found a way back to each other, no matter how brief or fleeting, time and time again.

The 2 years I had with Voldmort was the longest period of time I can remember where I hardly wondered about him. And of course, this last year I have had a lot on my mind. He reached out to me of course when I lost her. Which, to be completely honest, I expected. I would of expected nothing less from him.

As always, there is a reason to why I have found inspiration to write this. Let’s just say the last 48 hours have been a bit of an odd 48 hours. And I find myself listening to the same song on repeat. I find myself feeling incredibly nostalgic. I find myself wondering more than usual. I find my mind going into overdrive. You’ll probably be able to guess why.

You never forget your first love.

Just as the man from seven years ago had the ability to make me feel young and naive, my first love has the uncanny ability to make me feel incredibly vulnerable. It’s as though he can see my soul. For me the fact that I don’t forget means that it’s so easy to remember. I can only describe it as though you’re coming home after a long time away and there is a welcoming feeling of familiarity. For me, with that comes an uneasy feeling of apprehension and a small taste of promise. So small it drives me crazy.

So here I am begging the question. Do I wanna know? “If this feeling goes both ways?”

I am nothing if not predictable.

“So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart’s still open and
if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I’m sorry to interrupt it’s just I’m constantly
on the cusp of trying to kiss you

I am utterly clueless if this entry even makes the slightest bit of sense. Maybe, it’s the mysterious power of “first love” and all of it’s magical wonders… maybe it’s the tablet I took earlier.

*My eyes are rolling as I write that.

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