Next month marks the the anniversary of my break up therefore it will mean I have been a single white female for one whole year.
Crazy, I know.
Now this is the truth, the whole truth or so help me God.
First of all it hasn’t been easy. Sometimes, far from it. I spent last Summer refusing to believe the love of my life didn’t want me anymore. I wrote countless texts, I made countless phone calls, I even resorted to sending emails at one point. Not to mention the fact I showed up at his house on one occasion. Emphasis on the “one” there because I did only do that ONCE, I am not that crazy. Emphasis on the “that” as well. *Insert wink emoji here*. What can I say? Letting go is not one of my strong suits. But you guys were there with me, every step of the way, as I wrote countless blog posts about him as well. Tedious, I know. I also spent last Summer trying my very hardest to forget. I started dating almost immediately (BIG mistake), I spent 4 days in Magaluf with one of my best friend’s and I sat in multiple beer garden’s. Then it started to get colder outside and the leaves were beginning to change colour…
I met the second boy to sorta break my heart at the end of September so I spent a small part of my Autumn with him. This, I thought, was a turning point. I felt better, I felt ready to accept change, I wanted things to work. After all, he is a self righteous, sarcastic man with a Dad Bod… Dreamy, I know. But we all know already how that one turned out. After that I started drowning in self pity and accepting each “casual” encounter as they came. The man from seven years ago came walking back into my life and at the time, I was grateful, he provided me the attention I was looking for. (I didn’t know at the time it was completely the wrong kind of attention.) October was only the first time I saw him, I thought it was the last until he popped back up again after my Birthday. Again, we all know how that one ends too. Then it began to grow even colder and the days got much shorter…
I spent my Winter drunk and consumed with self pity. I would be lying if I said I could remember best part of it. I went out drinking at every opportunity. I had a few excuses though, it was my bestie’s 21st then my other bestie’s 21st, it was Christmas then I was turning 24. During those Winter month’s if you needed to find me you could be sure I was in someone’s Kitchen at stupid o clock in the morning. Winter was also the season I discovered that it is never clever to sleep with your coworkers but what can you do?.
One thing remained consistent during all of those month’s and that was him, Lord Voldemort, he who must not be named but who I have named once or twice. He was never far from my mind. I would still get that sinking heart feeling at the most peculiar times and my breath would catch in my throat. I can be sure to tell you that that’s what missing someone feels like, well, for me it does anyway. It was just before Spring began when I heard from him. After month’s of silence he finally broke it and it shattered like glass. Basically, in short he told me to get over myself, to move on, he had a girlfriend now and he didn’t care anymore. Now if I’m being honest with you and more importantly with myself, I can honestly say that the news of him no longer caring for me hurt more than the news of the girlfriend. It was such a difficult pill to swallow in fact I could hardly breathe. I won’t lie, of course I did cry eventually but at first all I could feel was rage. Deep seeted rage. How dare he get to be happy before I was? Especially when I was trying so hard. Who was he to move on before I had? Giving I had been trying everything I could. The trouble is we can’t control these things. That night he told me what I needed to hear, it was the best thing he could of done for me. That night I learned that you don’t have to believe it but you have to accept it.
Spring so far has been everything the month represents, change. I have only been out for drinks a handful of times, I haven’t been on a date since January, I haven’t seen the man from seven years ago in almost five weeks, I haven’t been in someone’s Kitchen since late March (I think). More importantly, the days I think of him grow less and less although, I probably found more satisfaction than I should of in learning the news that he now drives a Nissan Micra. *For all you people out there who tell him what I write – I publish this ONLINE as in on the INTERNET where the whole world can see it. Do you think I give a fuck?*
I’ll say it again this first year hasn’t been an easy one but at the same time as having the worst time, I have been having the best time. I have been on holiday, I have had trips away, I have celebrated numerous birthdays and special occasions. I have met some great people and made amazing friends. I found out I’m going to be an auntie again to a beautiful little girl. (I say beautiful because I know she will be). I discovered what a one night stand is and the fact that that’s okay because I’m single and in my twenties (my body, my choice and all that.) I have listened to I don’t know how many minutes of sad love songs and cried I don’t know how many tears. I have watched endless amounts of sad films and read a lot of self help books. Each day is different and I can say, hand on my heart, that some days are still worse than others because sometimes I still hate being alone and I feel like I’m going to be left on the shelf forever. But, I am learning.
I am learning that my happiness is not determined by a man and whether or not he wants me. I am learning to take my time. I am learning to let myself feel and to grow. I am learning I am surrounded by amazing people to share my worries with. I am learning what I want from a relationship and not just settling for someone because they seem to like me. I am learning that the answer isn’t found at the bottom of an empty glass. I am learning that I am only human.
I don’t need anyone to tell me what I deserve because I am enjoying figuring that one out for myself.
I have a circle of people who love me, for me. I am grateful to each and every single one of you. I am grateful to you all for helping me through my first year. I am especially, eternally grateful for those of you who knew some of my behaviour was out of character and who know the real me and that it was just a phase. I appreciate each and every single one of you, more than you know.
So a whole year has almost passed and one last thing I am learning about myself is the fact I’ll probably always be a little bitter. Bitter about men and the things they have done, bitter about my parent’s and the fact I lost one (not in the local shopping centre), bitter about all of my ex’s happiness because clearly I deserve it more and bitter about life and the fact it’s made me a “victim of circumstance”. For now, I’m just happy telling everyone that my favourite fruit are Lemons or didn’t you know?