It’s been a little over a month now since I last posted. Since then I have come to realise that I post a lot about my Mam, Voldemort (he who must not be named) and even my friends but I have not posted a lot about my Dad. The last time I mentioned him was in my “The Proposal” entry.
I want to say my relationship with my dad is a tricky one but then I ask myself is it really? I’m not so sure. The truth is I haven’t spoken to him in months. He thinks it’s because of the proposal, and to say he would be completely wrong would be a lie. Now, before anyone jumps the gun and thinks I’m an awful, selfish person, the proposal itself wasn’t the problem, it was how I heard about the proposal. As my father’s eldest daughter I didn’t want to hear of him getting married from a social media platform. A phone call would of been nice.
If you read my “The Proposal” blog, then you’ll already know my other feelings on the matter and I don’t want to open old wounds. All of those feelings still stand.
For me, and I think I can speak for my sister’s as well, the proposal was the icing on top of the cake. Since before she even died my relationship with my dad was a tricky one – there goes that word again. Sometimes we can be incredibly close and others, well, not so much. It has always been this way even when I was growing up.
I think the main reason for me writing this is because I battle with myself weekly about my relationship with my father. I am always in two minds and I am hoping this could help. I don’t want to not have a relationship with my now only living parent but I don’t know if he will ever see my point of view. I spend a lot of time apologising for my feelings in everything I do, I never wanted to apologise to my own Dad for them too.
My Dad is a stubborn man. This should be clear now as he didn’t wish me a Merry Christmas or a Happy Birthday. I didn’t wish him a Merry Christmas either so again the battle I have within myself continues because I believe two wrongs don’t make a right. I don’t feel as though I’m being stubborn though. I feel as though I’m more fearful. I’m fearful of the outcome. Of his reaction. Of the knock on effect it could have. I also don’t know if his behaviour is acceptable for a parent and I question whether or not he knows this. I ask myself, at what age do you stop needing a parent? I don’t think you ever really do. I wonder of the relationship I want for myself with my Dad. I wonder if he still wants a relationship with me at all.
I am often told my many people that I shouldn’t worry and that he is the parent. That the argument we had shouldn’t of happened. That it could have been avoided but the last thing my Dad said to me a week after that argument was “I love you” so it makes me wonder again, is this silent treatment him proving a point?. Is it really “silent treatment” if I haven’t reached out in the first place?. Is it my place to reach out first? Am I in the wrong?.
What I do know is this, when we argued, I have never been spoken to like that in my entire life and I didn’t get an apology. I refused to apologise for my feelings but I let him know I saw his point. I explained that I was able to see his side but apparently he was still unable to see mine.
There is more to this of course, there always is. There are more reasons that add to the “strain” in our relationship. There are more things I think about when I go around in these circles. It’s more time consuming than anything because month’s later and yet here I still sit, stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or at least that’s what it feels like.