This time of year is another time I become greatly nostalgic although I’m not sure if nostalgic is even the right word to use.
My Mam’s birthday is fast approaching, next month would of been her 43rd birthday. I have spoken about my confusion over missing her often but now I have finally put my past relationship behind me I have found I’m missing her a lot more than usual as of late.
Missing someone who is no longer here is a curious thing. For me, there are moments where I don’t think about it at all but then there are moments when I can’t seem to get her out of my head. On the subject of birthdays, which reminds me of birthday wishes, missing someone can make you wish all kinds of things. Some things are small and trivial and some things are big and the fact that they will never come true, scare me. So that’s what I’m sharing with you today, in this next post, my wishes. The big and the small.
The first and most dominating wish will probably always be that I wish I knew what happened. I wish I knew exactly what happened to her and I wish more than anything, that I knew why. Why she made the decisions she did. The decisions that ended up costing her, her life. But more than often enough, I find myself feeling grateful to never of known the real truth just incase it’s worse than the stories I’ve materialised in my head.
My second most secret wish of all is that I wish I knew of heaven. I wish I knew if it was truly real, I wish I didn’t have to wait such a long time to find out for sure. I wish I believed because most days it would probably make my life a little less difficult if I did.
I wish I could I could make her laugh again. I wish I could tell her the stories I tell my friends, the ones that make them belly laugh and almost cry, she would of loved those ones. I wish I could text her about an amazing sandwich I might of just ate or let her know that my hormones are getting out of control again. I wish I could taste her mash potato at Christmas and I wish she saw the end of Son’s of Anarchy. I wish I could share a bottle of wine with her and have a cry about men. I wish she was here to of seen what my breakup did to me just so she could of told me that I was being over dramatic. I wish I could still pinch cigarettes from her the day before payday and I wish I knew how she got the bed sheets to smell as amazing as they did.
I wish I could see her being a Grandma. I wish I knew exactly where she was right now. I wish she would of made up with her parents before it was too late. I wish she was here to see Fleetwood Mac with me in June and I wish I could read her mind. I wish she was here to of seen my sister turn 18 and I wish she was here to see my other sister’s new hair colour.
I wish I could remember what her hugs felt like. I wish I could remember what she smelt like. I wish she had another chance and I wish never would of needed one to begin with. I wish she could be here to see my first born and I wish she could be here to see us all walk down the aisle.
I wish I knew what her advice would of been. I wish I knew what she would of said. I wish she was here to distract me from my “needy” tendancies. I wish she was here to see how much my best friends daughter has grown. I wish she was here to tell me not to worry about work. I wish she was here to take back some responsibility.
I wish she was here. Just here. That would be good enough. I wish I could wish her a Happy Birthday in person and I wish she was here to be able to wish us all one back.