So tomorrow I’m turning 24 and as always I’m looking back just to see how far I’ve come. There are a few times a year that make me incredibly nostalgic… Christmas, New Year’s, Mother’s Day, Pancake Day (don’t ask) Easter and of course Birthday’s, my own especially. So here I am, living my last 24 hours as a 23 year old single white female and all I can do is ponder.
I want this year to be great. I was reading my Facebook memories earlier and my status update from two year ago was something like “I’m turning 22 tomorrow and I have a feeling that my 22nd year is going to be my best yet!” – this is probably something to do with Matthew (he know must not be named is going to now be named because months have past and I am pretty sure everyone reading knows who is he anyway). During my 22nd year we all know my Mother died. My 23rd year was nearly just as tragic, what with the breakup of all breakups and my quarter life crisis. I want 24 to be different. And as I ponder I’m realising the only person who can make it different is me. I have been implementing small changes this month, small changes for myself. It’s all about the baby steps.
I have dyed my hair blue. Just to solidify change and something new moving forward. This isn’t one of the small changes I was talking about because let’s be honest it’s quite radical. But the colour is definitely impressive and I love it. I think for Valentine’s Day I might start a new diet – get working on that revenge body. Can a revenge bod still have an impact like six months later?
Just another quick update which is slightly off topic – remember that boy who I went out with who I said my Dad would really like? The one where apparently the “timing” was all wrong and we weren’t on the same page? From a few months back? Well guys, even he is “dating” someone now. I have to admit I have still been slightly bitter about him for a little while now – I mean, I’m a delight and what’s not to love? – but finding that out just turned me into a lemon. The ironic thing is, I can not say a bad word about him. I wish him all the love and happiness in the world because he’s the best and he deserves nothing but the best. He will always be there for me (I know this because he says so) and I will always be there him. Honestly, I’m happy I gained his friendship, he’s a gem.
Back on topic though, so turning 24. I’m so fortunate to have the friends and family around me that I do. I’m lucky that I still have people who only want the best for me. I’m glad I had them last year because I might not of made it out alive without them. I’m happy that I still have them to celebrate with. Every year I get older I become more and more conscious that it’s another year further away from her. My 24th year will be my second without her and my first completely single (although I feel as though I’m getting the hang of being on my own, it’s not so bad). I miss seeing the “Happy Birthday to a Wonderful Daughter” card on my windowsill. I miss her handwriting and I miss how tomorrow she would put me first. It’s my day after all. It’s extremely difficult, facing each birthday and each new year a motherless daughter.
Finally, I’m excited to be 24. A whole year older means a whole lot wiser, doesn’t it?. Here’s hoping anyway. A good friend told me yesterday that I need to stop looking for the comfort of love from someone else and that I need to find it within myself for myself because if I can’t find it within myself, how do I expect to accept it from somebody else? And that really rang true with me. My 23rd year taught me some hard lessons, some I am still learning but as always I’m optimistic.
So here’s to turning 24. Like I keep saying I don’t need this to be MY year, I just need it to be better than the last. Ever the optimist and as always thanks for reading x