Fresh start

So it’s the 7th of January 2019. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this new year to come, to finally put 2018 behind me. This year is a fresh start, a blank page, a new chapter. This is of course me being incredibly clichéd but I am grabbing the feeling of a fresh start and all of its glory by the horns! I haven’t posted in a while, since the 27th of November to be exact. I did want to write a little about Christmas but I think time just got away from me but maybe I’ll still write about it, you can write about Christmas in the Spring right?

This year I’m making some small changes, just little things to start me off on my journey of self care this year. I am trying to be more positive, to see the positives rather than the negatives – especially around work. I am practicing being grateful – just having gratitude in general for the little things, things as small as just breathing. I am trying to binge drink a lot less – it’s my birthday soon so I’m just taking that one weekend at a time. I want to spend more time with my nephew because he doesn’t live with me anymore and he’s growing so quickly I’m scared I’ve been so wrapped up in sadness that I’ll of missed everything. I want to see my grandparents more – I see them once a fortnight but I don’t see the harm in pushing that to once a week. I want to read more again, to write at least every week, I want to do better at work and I want my degree (I’m unsure in what though).

Last year was a bit of a disappointment. As was the year before it. It wasn’t ALL bad I still made some amazing memories and experienced many firsts but 2018 carried incredible sadness. During the last half of the year I saw myself sink lower into this hole of despair, of hurt and of anger. It’s a tricky one to get out of. I can’t say he was completely to blame, I can say he was the cherry on top of the cake though – the cherry that tipped me over the edge.

Recently I read that grief is just love with no place to go. I spent so much of last year looking for someone to take all of this love I had in my heart for him, someone else to give it to since he wouldn’t allow me to give it to him anymore. I was so full of love and sadness I was ready to burst. I needed someone to take it off my hands, I needed the distraction. 1. That wasn’t fair of me. 2. It’s way harder than it looks anyway. The moral of the story? Just let yourself feel it, let it burst or pour out of you in other ways because it’s going to happen regardless. I still get little bursts of sadness trickling out of me more than 50% of the time.

This year I plan on dwelling on things less. It causes unnecessary anxiety, worry and stress. Worrying about yesterday massively impacts my tomorrow and I’ve had enough. This year I plan on concentrating on my own breathing when my mind runs away from me, just something small to bring back my thoughts. This year I want to be healthier and happier and for the first time in forever I only have myself to do it for. This is the first time in a really long time that I just have me. I’ve spent months upon months being worried about being on my own and needing him just to breathe that I didn’t see the golden opportunity staring right at my face! I’m single, I don’t have anyone to answer to, I don’t have any dependants and I have my life to live – for myself .

I concentrated on the negatives for so long that I forgot there was even positives.

Do I still miss him? Not as much as I used to. I remembered what his hands felt like today without even thinking about him though and that really threw me because it came from nowhere. I wish she was still here, because she would of been the best and most easy distraction from everything last year. It was hard, seeing another New Year in without her. It bothered me this year just how little people seemed to remember just how hard that would be. It’s daunting because every new year I enter is another year further from her and I can not shake this ungodly feeling that I’m leaving her behind. It’s my birthday soon and with every year I get older it’s a reminder that the one who brought me into this world won’t see me living out my 24th year in it.

For now, concentrating on myself is the best distraction I could of asked for. I feel as though this year I’m putting myself first for the first time in forever. I just need to spend less money on meal deals and I’d be all set on the path to greatness!

I hope 2019 is a great year, it doesn’t even have to be MY year as long as it’s better than last year…

Happy New Year! As as always, thanks for reading…

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