I wonder…

It’s difficult to write this next one without coming across as slightly tragic.

I ask myself one question rather frequently – “Is it normal to still think of him as often as I do?”. I have decided that I’m not all that sure, it still remains that I push him out of my mind as much as I can though. I don’t think there is any measurement of time on this one, on completely getting “over” someone. I’m starting to wonder if you ever do. Much like grief, maybe you just get on with it and slowly live again but differently and with an ache that grows less and less. I’m believe that you can love more than one person at once so maybe with the more your love for someone else grows the less the other love becomes. Until it eventually fades into nearly nothing at all. I don’t think you can ever stop caring for a person, it’s not in our nature as people. This brings me to my next point, I think because we never stop caring and because the process of getting “over” someone is so long and turbulent that we never stop wondering. I wondered a lot at first and I have found my wondering has gradually become less and less but I wonder still… Part of me, deep down secretly dreads the day that I stop. But if I’m being really honest, I still feel as though that day will never come. I said in my last post that I will never settle for anything less than more than what I had with him (he who must not be named, just to clarify on who this is about by the way) and that’s the gods honest truth. Currently, I’m not looking to rush into anything more than casual because I’m still waiting for a full week to pass where I don’t miss him. And I know I spent what felt like forever chasing a demented dream in my head that I would find someone else, someone so much better and move on but eventually guys, reality sets in and you can’t run from your emotions forever. Not even into other men’s arms.

I feel like in the almost six months I’ve been single I’ve came full circle and I’m still here wondering (even if it’s slightly less than I used to). I wonder what he’s cooking these days and I wonder if he’s made his Grandad’s soup again. I wonder if he’s still using red bedding, I wonder if he’s playing a new game or if he’s picking up his guitar. I wonder if he’s still wearing those god awful pants to work. I wonder if he still drinks as much coffee and uses his tea pot. I wonder if he has found any new music he likes or if he’s read the book I bought him. I wonder how his Mam is and how her health is doing. I wonder how his sister’s are and if his Dad has bought a bigger car. I wonder if he has a new winter coat yet and if he still runs. I wonder if he’s quit smoking and if his favourite cheese is still Red Leicester. Every time I hear someone mention Red Dead Redemption I wonder if he’s played it. I wonder if he’s bought a new watch strap or if he’s wearing different socks. I wonder if he is still practicing his magic and I wonder about his brain and his well being. And sometimes but only sometimes I wonder if he wonders about me…

Thanks for reading x

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