I haven’t been in denial about this one. In fact it’s a fact that I have been well aware of. The fact that, for months now I have been spiralling. Not massively out of control or anything but spiralling all the same. Those who know me know this is just a phase. That is probably why they have been letting me get on with it. Nothing lasts forever.
I’ve talked before about over compensating and the truth is somewhere along the line I stopped over compensating and actually started to enjoy myself. It’s easy to get swept up in the moment or in a night of fun and give zero f***’s about anything but just right then and there. I also get easily carried away when I drink. Everything seems like such a good idea at the time. The next day? Not so much.
I’ve had two epiphanies as of late. The first one came after I watched the best film ever, it quite literally blew me away. I realised that my last relationship was pretty great and it’s still so hard to imagine loving someone as much as I did him, so I decided that I will never settle for anything less than more than what my last relationship was. The second one is a much simpler one. I decided that living every other week with “Beer Fear” is no good for my anxiety.
So in conclusion I am making a more conscious effort to not force any relationship with a man and to try and let what happens, happen. If I find someone amazing? Great. If I don’t? My time will come (ever the optimist). Besides I’m pretty comfortable being a third wheel now. I am also going to make a conscious effort to drink less. I still intend on being a social butterfly (it’s Christmas soon after all) but maybe not party as hard or lose my self control. I don’t want to be known as that girl who doesn’t know when to stop. I don’t want to be known as that girl who keeps making poor life choices. I have read a lot about “self care” recently and I think it’s about time I made a few changes in my life to implement that. I can still have a drink and have a good time it’s just the self awareness part I need to master.
I think my relationship with he who must not be named kept me grounded. Like I was a kite and he was the kite string. This probably doesn’t come as a shock since I’ve spoken a lot about being dependent on him for a number of things. My emotional well-being was one of them. Since being single that is one of the things I am still working on, independence when it comes to my own emotional well-being. I know I have many people to rely on for support but I’ve since realised it isn’t really fair on them when I’m doing it to myself. I love a drink as much as the next person but a binge isn’t healthy nor is getting so upset about it the next day. Like I said “Beer Fear” is not doing wonders for my already anxious mind.
Some final points, my social life is the best it has ever been and I hope that it continues – in moderation. I am still single and finally becoming okay with watching Netflix alone. Sometimes though, I still really need a cuddle. I was told today that I’ll bounce back – it’s true, this is me we’re talking about after all.
Thanks for reading x