Last Friday my Dad asked his girlfriend to marry him.
The first thought that came into my head was her.
Then I got angry.
It’s silly because they were separated for four years when she died. They just never got round to the “divorce” part before it happened. It’s silly because my Dad and his girlfriend were together for over a whole year before she died. It’s silly because they live together. It’s silly because they have a baby together. It’s silly because I knew this would happen. Eventually.
I try and remind myself that this would all still be happening if she were still here. I try to remind myself that she would of only cared a little bit and for a little while. I know I am happy for him. I congratulated him. I know deep down the only reason it made me think of her is because it’s yet another reminder that everyone’s lives are moving on. Without her.
For most of my life my Dad was my Mam’s husband. I know I would feel differently if she were still here, it wouldn’t be anything other than what it is – my Dad, being happy and getting married. But because she’s gone, it gives me a feeling I can’t seem to shake. It gives me a certain degree of sadness to know that she won’t get the chance to find happiness and re marry. It reminds me that at the same age my Dad is now she died without finding her second chance as he’s found his.
It’s not that I’m not happy for him. I am. It’s not that I didn’t see it coming. I did. It’s that she will never know. She will never get her chance. It’s that she has no one to blame but herself.
It’s slightly difficult imagining my Dad married to another woman. Which again is silly because these things happen all of the time to lots of different families. And it’s not as though my Mam and him were together when she died. But she made him a widower all the same.
It hurt because I found out this news through social media. As his daughter I would of loved to of heard it from him. My Dad and his girlfriend did things their way, which I need to respect but it still upset me all the same.
I have conflicting emotions about the proposal, for a number of different reasons. It’s awful because he’s my Dad and I love him and family is important. I just find my mind always wandering back to her… Wondering how she would of took it, wondering if she would of been happy for him, wondering if she would of found her own happiness by now. I don’t want to be selfish. I am happy for him. I also need him to understand my feelings, I suppose I’m asking the impossible when I hardly understand them myself.
Thanks for reading x