I feel like I haven’t wrote anything down in ages. I’m probably starting to struggle with how to word things. One thing I have realised though is there are two people at the centre of my life who I have mentioned often but not as often as I’d like. Two people who mean the world to me. Two people who deserve the most recognition. Two people whom I would give the world to if I could. My sister’s.

This post is for them, although they need more than just words.

I am the eldest. My sister’s are 19 and 18. There is 4 and 5 years between us. I never hated them growing up but I can’t say they were my best friends either, not like they are now. Probably the only good thing to come of my mother dying is the bond my sister’s and I share now. I think that’s something we would all agree on, that her dying has solidified our bond for life. Grief is the loneliest feeling for a lot of people, I know this because sometimes I still feel like the loneliest person in the world. I forget sometimes that there are two people who know exactly how I feel. There are two people who survived what I did. There are two people who loved her just as much as me.

My sister’s are the strongest people I know.

My sister’s are the bravest people I know.

My sister’s are the greatest people I know.

My 19 year old sister had just turned 18 when she died. She was at the start of her young adult life, she was for the first time in a real serious relationship, she was learning to drive, she was having fun with her friend’s. She was living the life every 18 year old should.

My 18 year old sister was only 16 when she died. It was 6 days before her 17th birthday. She had recently got her very first job, she had recently had her very first bad break-up, she had just become a mother herself. She was living the life we least expected for her at 16.

At 22, I was not prepared to live without a parent to be there for me every day so I can only imagine how they felt. My 18 year old sister would never get my mam’s advice again on anything. When I was 18 I asked my mam’s opinion on everything, I told her everything about my life. I couldn’t imagine not. I still wonder who I am now at 23, I know I had no clue at 18. I’m glad my sister is more head strong now than I ever was at her age. My 16 year old sister would have to deal with the daily challenges of motherhood alone. Without her own mother to help her. I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into this world without anyone to guide me. Without anyone to tell me what to do and how to do it. I dread the day I become a mother myself without my own mother by my side. I’m proud that my sister is the mother she is. We all helped as best we could, where we could but my nephew wouldn’t be the little boy he is today if it wasn’t for her. My sister is the best single parent she can be and she does it daily.

My main point here is I talk so much about myself, about my thoughts and my feelings and how hard it was for me. It was hard for them too. They had to deal with it just as much as me. They have to continue on without her just as much as me. All of our lives changed so much after she died. It was unexpected and it was sudden changes that we all had to make.

My sister’s inspire me daily. They are the closest family I have. I’m grateful to have the relationship and friendship I do with them. I’m proud to call them mine. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for them, they keep me sane. I love them more than they’ll ever know.

Thanks girls.

Thanks for reading x

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