The anxiety that cripples me

There is such a stigma around anti depressants. But right now I am not afraid of saying that sometimes I need to take a tablet to help me sleep at night.

I think back to before she died and I remember what it felt like to be happy without a single trace of sadness. Without a single trace of fear. Without a single trace of worry that the worst will happen. I wish I could get that feeling back.

I’ve always been a slightly anxious person, I’ve always been a bit of a worrier. I never thought anything of it, it never bothered me. Until she died and then it all changed.

I remember the night I found out she died, it felt as though a humongous hole had opened up in my chest and in the pit of my stomach. I don’t think this hole will ever close. Sometimes it becomes smaller, less noticeable even but I don’t think it will ever go away completely. I blame this hole for my anxiety.

I can describe it as being like the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach before getting on a really big rollercoaster, only worse.

When this hole decides to drag itself open it’s filled with sadness, despair, pain, nerves, fear, guilt. It physically takes my breath away. I’ve never and probably will never feel emotional pain like it. It’s horrific. It keeps you up at night.

I can’t speak for everyone. And I can’t talk about mental health as though I know everything about it but I can say I know that sometimes it’s the loneliest feeling in the world.

I know my anxiety stems from my grief. I’ve accepted that. I’ve also realised that depression is a natural part of grief. But not everyone is like me, not everyone has the loss of a parent to blame. And I think no matter the reason and no matter the cause it’s good to talk about it. It’s good to be open, to be honest and to break the stigma. No matter your reasons why it’s important to know your never alone. It’s important to know that how your feeling is okay. It’s important to know it won’t last forever.

I have anxiety attacks because I get scared of being sad. Late at night when thoughts of her come into my head and my eyes start to burn and I feel the lump in my throat, I panic. I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to be sad or depressed and I get scared that once I start, I won’t stop. So I panic and as I panic my heart rate sky rockets and my breathing becomes quicker. Because I don’t want to cry, I don’t want to be sad. So, sometimes when I’m struggling I take a mild anti depressant to keep me calm and help me sleep because night time is still the hardest. I’m sure everyone has had or will have a time in their life where they haven’t wanted to be left alone at night with their own thoughts. My thoughts are just clouded by her.

It may sound terrible but I still can’t think of her and smile. I think of her and I’m sad and I don’t want to be. I want to be happy when I remember her. I want to think of her warmth and laugh at the moments we shared, I want to think of her and know I’ll be okay. I’m just not quite there yet.

As always…

Thanks for reading x

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