“you’re strong” – it’s something I’m told quite often.
I take it as a compliment each time I hear it, I mean it’s a great trait to have isn’t it? Strength? Doesn’t mean I believe it though. (Just to clarify here I’m not talking about physical strength).
There have been times where I have had to have strength because what else could I do? But I can’t agree with it everytime I hear it, I can’t agree with people everytime they tell me how “strong” I am. I appreciate it greatly but I still find it hard to agree with them.
I was told how strong I was after she died. I have been told I don’t know how strong I am. I have been told I’m the strongest person they know. Even my boyfriend broke up with me and decided to write in a text that it’ll be okay because I’ll get over it, because I’m strongest person he knows (insert eye roll here). But this is coming from a man who saw me at my worst so it must be true, right?. Wrong.
Most of the time I don’t feel all that strong. I feel like screaming. Sometimes the pain I carry around is so overwhelming I could just lay down and cry, cry hopeless amounts. Sometimes, the anger I feel is so overwhelming I want to smash my face into a mirror or into a wall. Sometimes, I feel so deeply sad that I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and for everything and everyone to just go away.
I’ve spoken before about wanting to be hit by a car just so the physical pain takes my mind away from the pain on the inside that eats away at me. I look to anything for a distraction, I look to people to take my mind off it. And they do, without realising. I don’t know where I would be without the people I have surrounding me. (Your the best).
I want to say thank you to each of you who continue to assure me of my strength. I do try. I try every day not to be angry or sad or bitter. I try not to dwell on things and I try to push negative thoughts out of mind. It isn’t easy but I try to not let it effect my everyday life. I’m still me, I still have fun. I’m just me with a little tragedy.
It’s been almost a year. And every day that one year mark gets closer and all of me is trying not to look to him (who must not be named) for comfort, for kindness, for reassurance or for strength. Every day it gets closer, I feel part of myself trying to run away and hide. To avoid that day at all costs. Every day it gets closer, I try to not remember the sound of her voice. I try to not remember how it’s almost been a year since I last heard it.
This year has flew by. It’s went so quickly and its scary. It’s scary because one day I’ll blink and five years will of gone by. Five years without her. Five years in a world where, she no longer exists. I still haven’t got my head around the fact that someone can be here one day and gone the next. Just, gone.
I want to take this moment to apologize to anyone out there who feels this way. It’s honestly awful. It’s a gut wrenching pain that I don’t think will ever go away. Some days are just lighter than others. Some days you just have more strength than others. I hope the confidence that everyone has in mine continues. Most of the time it’s what gets me through days like these.
Thanks for reading x