The last month has been an interesting one. It’s been my first month single but it hasn’t felt like it. Well, it has in ways, I’ve spent more time with my friends and more time going out and making a real effort to try and enjoy myself. But in other ways, I’ve been hanging on. I’ve been clinging to the chance of a reconciliation for dear life. I was refusing to give up hope. I was refusing to walk away. One month on and it hasn’t been easy but I’ve decided it’s time to let go.
When you’ve experienced so much with a person it’s hard to see past that. It’s difficult to imagine being on your own or finding someone else eventually who will understand.
After a break up your self esteem is incredibly low. I wonder about things all of time, things like, who else is going to find me attractive? Who else is going to want to sleep with me? Who else is going to accept it when I have a slight flare of IBS (don’t ask)? And more importantly who else is going to love me? The answer is… Who the hell knows. I don’t have much confidence right now but I’m sure it will come. I’m optimistic. I’m still an old romantic at heart, I still believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes everyone isn’t for everyone and as much as I was sure he was for me, he wasn’t. That doesn’t mean that it makes letting go easier. That doesn’t mean that this past month I’ve hurt any less.
This past month I’ve embarrassed myself beyond the point I have ever done before. But hey, I had a reason to and I’m only human. I’ve lost quite a bit of my dignity but at the time it didn’t matter so I have no regrets. I’ve had more than a few emotional breakdowns but I’m not afraid to say I’m an emotionally vulnerable person. This month I’ve learnt that sometimes things you experience with another person may mean more to you than them. That the things you thought mattered to someone, well, it turns out they don’t anymore.
He said something to me about a week or so ago… It was the first time I realised I didn’t know him as a person anymore meaning what he said really rang true. He said “things change, people change”. I don’t think people change, I think people develop themselves with time. Nevertheless it was hard for me to hear.
Personally, I think the past month as said more about his character than mine. He spent three weeks ignoring me completely – now when you know the circumstances around the breakup you’ll understand why this wasn’t fair – I spent three weeks going out of my mind. I still don’t understand his reasons completely and I don’t think I ever will. I can compare it to when she died, I had so many questions only she could answer. In time I accepted that I would never get the answers and even if I did, would they really be what I wanted to hear? Probably not. This is similar in ways because I need to accept that my closure won’t come from him. It will come from within me.
So one month later and there isn’t a lot more I can do other than let go. I spent the first two weeks fighting as much as I could and in ways I knew how. If anything it made him angry and it made me see a side to him I didn’t recognize. It cost me a lot of myself. More than I was prepared to lose. It’s sad because all I have are memories and these memories are now full of doubts that weren’t there before. Is that another thing I just have to accept and move on from? Probably. It’s not as though reassurance will come from him anymore.
There’s a quote from one of my favourite books (you know how I love quotes) “Me Before You”. It’s around when Lou Clarke realises Will is going to off himself with the help of Dignitas and her love wasn’t quite enough to stop him – “I told him I loved him. And he just said it wasn’t enough. How am I supposed to live with that?”.
Now me and Louisa aren’t exactly soul sisters (unlike me and Bella) because my boyfriend wasn’t in a wheelchair and he wasn’t going to die. But the context is still the same when you feel as though you are not good enough. That’s all I thought about this past month, that I’m not good enough. My love wasn’t enough to make him stay. To make him happy.
I said earlier this week, how do I deserve better when I’ve already had the best? Well it’s about realising your self worth. I haven’t realised mine yet but as I said earlier, I’m optimistic! I will probably always carry a torch for that man because he was there during a time in my life when I needed someone, and that I’m forever grateful for. But it’s about time I took him down from that pedestal I put him on.
He chose to walk away. He says he’s happier. He’s erased memories from social media. He’s moving on.
It’s about time I did too. I won’t be erasing memories though. Just because it no longer is, doesn’t mean it never was and it definitely doesn’t mean it didn’t mean something.
Well for me it did. I’m proud of my past… It has developed me into the person I am today. He’s part of that.
Thanks for reading x