One thing I’ve learnt is that time helps. It may seem contradictory due to something I posted on social media earlier in the month. I don’t think time is a healer, something’s just never heal but time is definitely a helper. My point is right now that’s what I’m praying for. Time. For as much time to pass as possible. Because I know it will help.
This entry is about where I am in life right now. The truth is I’m not doing so well. I have a pretty broken heart. When my mam died I took some comfort in knowing there couldn’t be anything that would break my heart again. Sorry I should be saying “anyone”. I didn’t think anyone could ever break my heart again. It was broken already, beyond repair. Trouble is, he fixed it didn’t he.
When a relationship breaks down it’s extremely sad. No matter the circumstances. A few of my close friends have had their own relationships end very recently as well, and my heart goes out to them
because even if they made the choice to walk away themselves I imagine it’s not an easy decision to come too. That said, it doesn’t make me not want to want to hate him. Because it would make this easier if I did.
So right now I am dealing with two losses rather than one. 11 months ago I lost my mam (not behind the settee) and last month I lost my most favourite person on the planet (not Ed Sheeran). I never thought I would grieve the break down of a relationship, I only ever thought you could grieve the people you loved who died. Oh how wrong I was. This feels just the same apart from he’s still going to work 5 days a week. I thought a lot last week about wanting to be hit by a car – to be clear I don’t want to kill myself – I just thought any physical pain had to better than how I’ve been feeling on the inside. Some days I hurt so much on the inside I want to rip off my own skin. It’s really irritating (sort of like thrush). And that is why I want time to speed up. I just want months to pass because I know every passing day helps. When I was younger I was obsessed with the “Twilight” book series. There is a quote that can be found on my Instagram from the second installment “New Moon”. It’s a quote from the main character Bella Swan after Edward runs away and leaves her it it says – “Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.” Who knew that me and Bella Swan were soul sisters? Only difference is Edward came back in the end.
So yes you definitely grieve more things than I had originally thought and I roll my eyes knowing that now. I want to scream toward the sky “why me?”. I feel incredibly bitter. Have I had not had my fair share of grief? I was just accepting that I would greive the death of my mother for the rest of my life and then he goes and does this? One word. Bastard.
So here I am on a Monday night listening to James Arthur’s song “You deserve better” trying to convince myself it’s true. Hoping the next six month fly by and I can be excited for Santa coming. Praying that I never feel this way again. All the while knowing deep down that I probably will and wondering how I can deserve better when I’ve already had the best. That’s what low self esteem does to you after a break up. Again, one word… Bastard.
I’m just glad I still have my humour. Here’s hoping nobody contacts Samaritans.
Also hoping I don’t get drunk again this week and lose some more of my dignity, but hey, who really needs their pride anyway?
Thanks for reading x