Only the start

As I’m writing this I’m thinking back. Back to this time last year. I was getting ready for my girls holiday. Two weeks in Sunny Beach! I was last minute bag checking and kissing my boyfriend goodbye. My point is looking back I was stupidly happy. I miss that. I miss the feeling of just being happy. Without worries and doubts. Because 3 weeks after landing back home, my mam died. She died suddenly and unexpectedly, she wasn’t ill, she didn’t have a disease that we didn’t know ahout. She was just here one day and then gone the next. Since then I haven’t been the same, but when I think of it… Would I really want to be? No, I don’t think I would. So yeah, the woman who brought me into this world, the woman I could count on above all others, the woman who loved me into the woman I am today was suddenly just gone. I want to be clear about what I said about being happy. I would be lying if I said I haven’t been happy since. Because I have been and on a number of occasions but every happy moment is tainted. Tainted with loss or with grief. It’s yet another happy moment or memory that I will never get to share with her. It makes every happy moment that little bit sad.

My reason for writing this is because I don’t hear grief being spoken about enough. Grief over anything at all because you don’t just grieve when somebody dies. You can grieve over all kinds of different things. So I decided to start a blog just about me and my life this past year and my life going forward. I’ll be honest it’s pretty sad and at times depressing but it’s deeply personal and I know I’m not the only one. So if by sharing my thoughts and my feelings about my grief can help start that conversation then I say that’s only a good thing.

Going back to where I said you don’t just grieve over someone close to you dying… This is called “They say things happen in three’s” and this past year I’ve had my fill of them.

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